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    We all fail at times, we all suck at times. But why do I feel I'm failing all the time, falling with no one to catch me?

    There's this God I believe in. He's pretty sweet, He loves me and stuff. But why is there this yearning to be number one? Not with Him, that's oh-so-silly; but what about with someone else? It cuts me up that I'm not number one to anyone, I'm not the best at anything, and it makes me sad because I have no scripture coming to me to help, I just have this blog to write in.

    It starts with this guy. And I'm happy to be talking to him, but even though there's this ocean seperating us, it doesn't make it more important, and I still feel like I'm taken for granted. You know, the "she'll always be there" kinda thing. I won't. Man, I wish he could see. 

    So it makes me think. I don't wanna be sad. It doesn't help me, nor does it help my readers for me to complain. So what do I do? Firstly, I have to remember a conversation with a dear brother who first told me that God loves ME. That's pretty sweet right there, that a God so awesome and powerful as ours could care about me, an insignificant little blip in the continuum of eternity. He sent me His son, and alright, I didn't actually see the guy, but He was also pretty amazing, and He loved me so much, he died for me. He knew me before I was made, and he died safe in the knowledge that because He died, when I got the chance to be born, He could bring me to His arms and hold me there close.

    See, I'm already starting to feel better. There is no one else that should matter to me other than my Lord Jesus Christ. Alright, this guy is kinda nice, but kinda versus AWESOME, SOVEREIGN, MAGNIFICENT! You get the picture. The guy I'm worrying over is also a little blip on the radar screen, and you know what. That's ok. I think sometimes a reminder that God loves us is what we need.

    Do you know He loves YOU? That awe-inspiring, all-powerful creator of all the heavens and the earth, and He loves YOU and wants communion with YOU? That He would send His only son, His most precious self to be humbled, humiliated and ultimately killed for His love for YOU? YOU are that worth it to Him. So remember next time you fail at something. Say that you're sorry you messed up. Lord, I'm sorry that I messed up and got my priorities mixed. Help us to keep those priorities straight Lord God, that we would focus on you and remember you in our troubles. We can always call on you, and ask you to lift our daily burdens, and for this we are truly thankful. We have so many opportunities in life, don't let us overlook them because our eyes are not focused on the one thing that matters Lord. Our relationship with You.

Amen. 

No, I really didn't fall off of the face of the earth..

My Son and Daughter-in-law had a new baby boy.
She was having some difficulty and was on bed rest so I had the privilege of watching Kiara for 3 weeks while waited and then while she recuperated from the birth..
What a wonderful time I had..
The Lord allowed me such a treat to be able to watch my little Granddaughter..
We danced and hoped and giggled and make bubbles and played in the swing and made lots of noise..
Funny how much fun grand kids are..my own kids were not as much fun as they are..
Perhaps the responsibility has a sobering affect on you..
I don't know...

I hope I will be able to spend more time with her as after they hit 6 they change dramatically..
My favorite age for children is birth to 5....
Love the 2's...absolutely love to watch them with their joy of life and the wide eyed amazement of learning something new or just seeing a kitty outside the window...
God sure bundled a lot of love up into those small little bodies for us Grandparents to soak up and enjoy...
And to give out to - can't hug them enough.

 But that special time passed all to quickly and now I am home again and back to the norm..
I am cleaning out the closet and my dresser drawers..
Instead of spring cleaning I am doing fall cleaning..
It has been fun..I so love the season change and especially the wonderful cool weather..
Crunching brown leaves under foot and of course my least favorite part it cleaning out all of those soggy brown leaves from the "pond"...
No one cleaned the pond filter while I was away and the poor fish cannot see where they were going..
It will take a while for the water to become clear again probably...

Well, I am praising God for the past months privilege of being with my granddaughter and for the birth of a grandson and they sheer joy of it all....

 Praise Him for His marvelous kindness...
You all have a blessed day!! I plan on it!!

Sometimes God teaches us things we don't fully understand. After all, what is the point of teaching you something you already know?

Recently, God has been teaching me about dating and marriage, and even, dare I say it, about motherhood. I feel far too young for this kind of teaching, I'm only twenty, and still in college, I don't want to get married now! In other ways though, I know it's right. God is preparing me; He's not giving me a husband now. I've been learning about courtship instead of dating, and friendship as a main ingredient to a godly marriage.

 Let me enlighten you.

I was in an unhealthy relationship which ended about this time last year. I honestly believed that this was the man for me, and that this was the man I would get married to. However, I hadn't consulted God on this. A wise friend once told me that we make plans and God laughs at them. Well, needless to say, God laughed, and my relationship with this guy ended. Cue lots of crying, yada yada yada...

After talking to God about this, I eventually realised that my relationship hadn't glorfied God. And to prove the point so it seemed, He placed another man in my life. This man only ever had the status of "friend," but it was a close frienship, one that approached the ideal of courting. At the time, I didn't realise this, and we both blundered along answering "no" to our friends' questions of "are you two dating?" The fact was that we were spending a lot of time together, both alone and with other people. Sometimes I would have phone calls on my cell for him, and vice versa, as people assumed we were together. I've since realised that this kind of close relationship with just any guy would not be a good thing. Far too many emotions were invested, but God used this relationship for a reason - to teach me all that is good and bad in a godly relationship with a man. I found out for example that when praying alone with a member of the opposite sex, you leave yourself vulnerable in a way that wouldn't happen otherwise. I felt closer to this man having prayed with him, particularly about our past relationships. A quick healing prayer never harmed anyone, but a deep, emotional prayer should not be shared with simply anyone. 

God used this man to show me other things too - such as patience! I still completely fail at displaying patience in all situations, but sometimes, just sometimes, I keep my calm when otherwise I would have lost it.

I've read plenty of articles on the subject of dating, courtship and marriage this year. All of them point to one thing. Get into a friendship with a godly man like I did, and you'll likely end up together as a married couple. I'm not completely sure I'd want to marry right now, but if I did, it would be with this man. A man whom I know to have a strength of faith which I not only admire, but which inspires me in my own relationship with God. Yeah, I think I could learn to love him in a way which God would be happy with.

It's taught me one key thing though. I won't settle for anything less. I don't want anything less than what God has in mind for me. Our Father provides, and He provides in ABUNDANCE. When I finally know who my spouse will be, I want to know that we have God's blessing, and that the man whom I marry is the man that God intended me to marry. I want that friendship, and I want my future husband to teach me about God and bring me closer to God throughout my time on earth with him. And I want to be ready for him. I want to learn everything that God is teaching me now - all the qualities that a wife needs, that a mother needs. I want to be the best wife and mother I can be, and I need God's help. I need Him to teach me, because despite having a wonderful mother myself, she has not been able to show me how a Christian wife and mother acts. There's so much that God has yet to teach me, and I'm sure I'll learn during my marriage too. But until then, I'm holding out. I'm hanging on to the promise God has made me, and until then I'm happy to be single. I can learn about God in my own time, and deepen my relationship with Him through prayer and bible study. My man will find me. God will point the way. I have only to recognise him when that offer is made, and until then, do my best to learn how to be the best helpmeet I can for the man whom God intends me to marry. I don't want to let the men in my life down. Not my Dad on earth, not my future husband, and not my Father in Heaven. And then God will keep His promise, and might even send me back to the godly man whom He initiated this learning curve with. Until then, I'll wait, displaying all the patience in the world. A patience borne of the absolute knowledge that God will provide, and it will be good. 

    It sounds random for sure. The gospel is the orignal good news. But is that how it's recieved? I was asked at my church the other day "on a scale of one to ten, how good is that good news for you?" I thought about it. And then thought about it some more. As a Christian, my immediate answer should have been, "of course the gospel is good news, so I must be around an 8 at least!" 

    But I thought about it. For me right now, the gospel isn't such good news. It means an awful lot of hard work, and for the moment at least, angry conversations with God in which He tells me to obey Him. I don't want to obey right now. I look at all my views and opinions on various subjects which I prided myself on being so tolerant about other people's and beliefs, never professing too strong a belief myself. And now that's all changed. I feel like my mind is narrower for the Christianity in it. Like for example my attitude towards homosexuals. I used to be like "whatever," and now I'm like "hang on a minute, this book says it's wrong." This book is obviously the bible, and why should a book dictate how I should think? I think my point is not maybe that my mind has gotten narrower, but I'm basing my opinions on something different, and it's confusing because they're conflicting with my old opinions. 

    There are people however, who unlinke me, see the gospel as the worst possible news. Pastors stand up and say "you should read the bible more, you should pray more, you should be going to church everyweek and getting involved in church activities." That's terrible! The gospel isn't about that. It's about being where God wants you to be, and knowing that He wants you to be with Him because He loves you, and only has the best in store for you.

    I feel very cynical about this good news right now though. Christianity is hard! There is no miracle in becoming a Christian in the sense that your struggles with sin are not over, and you become acutely aware of them. I know that no one has ever pretended to me that following Christ was easy - in fact Paul says the opposite in one of the Timothys. It's not a part that's flagged up though is it?! Christians are so eager for your soul to be saved that they convenienty forget all the struggling, the angst, the pain and the heartache. 

    I know that right now I'm not in a place where the gospel is great news. Of course the fact that some dude died so that I could commune with God is amazing, and yes, that is good news. It's just the other bits. Like the part where you keep having to go to Jesus to be cleansed because you're continually doing wrong.