Monthly Archive

“Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”... read more..

“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”... read more..

“One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.”... read more..

“Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.”... read more..

“Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”... read more..

“Pobody is nerfect!”... read more..

“Punctual people have nothing better to do.”... read more..

“Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.”... read more..

“Remember, heck is reserved for those who don't give a dang.”... read more..

“Save time . . . see it my way.”... read more..

“Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to "resident," just write a big "P" in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”... read more..

“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”... read more..

“Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of insomnia.”... read more..

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true - some smaller countries are neutral.”... read more..

“Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road.”... read more..

“Studying economics may not give you the answers to serious economic problems, but at least you'll learn to avoid being deceived by economists.”... read more..

“Sure, it's the thought that counts, but couldn't people think a little bigger?”... read more..

“Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.”... read more..

“The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.”... read more..

“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”... read more..

“The difference between God and a fighter pilot is that God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.”... read more..

“The early bird still has to eat worms.”... read more..

“The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.”... read more..

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”... read more..

“The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.”- Mark Twain (1835-1910)... read more..

“The older I get the better I used to be.”... read more..

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.”... read more..

“The optimist says the glass is half full, the pessimist says the glass is half empty, and the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”... read more..

“The reason they called golf "golf" was all the other 4-letter words were taken.”... read more..

“The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.”... read more..