July 2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #270

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

5525

Mask Pun 1

My son-in-law Matt has a great-looking Darth Vader mask. One year at Halloween, a friend asked if he could borrow it. Matt agreed, and on Halloween night, his friend came by to pick it up. Matt wa... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1861

Mass Pun 2

"Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic." read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2150

Masseur Pun

Paul was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched, pulled and relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape bodies. Then late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired. Appare... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1935

Math Pun 2

You may remember a rock band from the 80's that was called Linear.They were originally going to call themselves The Quadratics, but they didn't want people thinking they were squares.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1944

Math Pun 3

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a sli... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2184

Math Pun 4

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2618

Maytag

Maytag is my middle name; I'm an agitator.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2178

Meanderthals

MEANDERTHALS /me-AN-dur-thols/noun: aimless, slow-walking pedestrians who mindlessly get in everyone else's way on sidewalks, stores, in malls, and crosswalks, often while preoccupied with a cell phon... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1901

Measurements

“People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!”... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2172

Meat Bet

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.He said, "No, the steaks are too high."... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

4115

Mechanic

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3035

Medical Definitions

ANTIBODY - against everyoneBENIGN - what you be after you be eightBOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,uCAESARIAN SECTION - a district in RomeCAT SCAN - searching for lost kittyCHRONIC - neck of a crowCOMA - ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

5020

Meditation Pun

"Meditation is not what you think." read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

12490

Memory Pun

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2617

Menu Question

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked h... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

5036

Merger Puns

Merger ManiaA number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a me... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2126

Meritrix

Once Horace Gold [my editor] went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I wa... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2481

Meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program.He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a reco... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1845

Milk

The minister once blessed his cows,It seems that this was wise,For when he milked them in the mornThe milk was pastorized.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3101

Missing Wrench

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn. So the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2098

Missionaries

Missionaries do Emmanuel labor.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3402

Mole Pun

Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I le... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1805

Money Pun 2

When it comes to money, lots of people are satisfied to let the rest of the world go buy.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1791

Money Pun 3

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1954

Mongrel Pet

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No."After being captured by a British commander, the do... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2281

Monkey Poker

Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?A: There are just too many Cheetahs.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2868

Moose Hunting Pun

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neithe... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1992

More Name Puns 1

More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....PROFESSION: NAMESteam shovel operator's son: DougHair stylist's son: BobHomeopathic doctor's son: He... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2021

More Name Puns 2

More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....PROFESSION: NAMEUndertaker's son: BarryBeautician's son: CurlyGardener's daughter: ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1783

More Name Puns 3

More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....PROFESSION: NAMEJeweler's daughter: OpalGastrointerologist's daughter: FannyButcher's daughter: ... read more..