July 2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #600

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2797

Trooper Pun

The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail."What's the charge? Mr. Schwa... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

4609

Trouble Pun

"You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble?""Domestic trouble.""But you're always bragging that your wife is a pearl!""She really is. It's the mother-of-pearl that's giving me trouble!" read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

4365

Tug Boat Pun

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.A new crewman asked his ship's firs... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

5091

Tune Pun

I heard a little kid on the radio with a pretty good pun. "You can tune a piano, though you can't tuna fish, though they both have scales."... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

22714

Turtle Pun

My daughter was telling me about a trip to the zoo with her grandparents and how she saw a very large turtle who approached them. She exclaimed, "He was walking right tortoise!"... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2397

Twins Pun

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."Years later, Juan sends a pictu... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3072

Unknown Reindeer Pun

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2418

Upholstery Machine

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?He's fully recovered!... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1817

Urgent Code 33

It was April 1st, and in a small midwestern town, two rookie policemen were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time wa... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

4430

Vandalism Pun

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems That his vocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfor... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2400

Vatican Card

The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2204

Vegetable Church

"Welcome to the Church of the Leafy Vegetable. Lettuce pray." read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

7694

Vet Pun

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3585

Vet Surgeon

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy?The cops busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3764

Vet Visit Pun

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there."Sit, Fluffy," she says.Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on anoth... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

5750

Visa Pun

A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a v... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

7214

Vision Pun

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, w... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1894

Votes

"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes." read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2026

Waiter Feedback

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter."I hardly ever get a compliment."... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1967

Waiting Room Books

HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerves KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

10094

Walking Pun

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2750

Wallet Return

An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.The lone clerk ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3095

Want that Cart?

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."As he walked to... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2457

Watched Clock

A watched clock never boils.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3746

Waxing or Waning

Out on a walk with my new girlfriend last night, only a small sliver of the moon was visible in the sky. She turned to me and asked, "Is it waxing or waning?" I had no idea what to answer, but wanting... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3645

Weapons Pun

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in po... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2102

Wedding

Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.All was fine... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2204

Wedding Pun 1

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the c... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3441

Wedding Pun 2

During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1894

Wedding Pun 3

My friend Cindy was walking up Third Avenue in Manhattan thinking about her impending wedding. Strung across the street in midtown was a large protest banner.When she arrived home, she said to her fi... read more..