Monthly Archive

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige read more..

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."~ Bill Cosby read more..

"Hypochondriacs are sick." read more..

"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me." read more..

"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me." read more..

"I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don't think I need that."- Jay Leno read more..

"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster." read more..

"I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top." read more..

"I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?" read more..

"I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends; know what I mean, Stupid?" read more..

"I don't know, I'm not in shape yet."~ Yogi Berra (when asked his cap size) read more..

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey look, a Milk Dud!" read more..

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic." read more..

"I fly a lot but I go to only about half as many places as my luggage does." read more..

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"- Kathleen Madigan read more..

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive." read more..

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."- James H. Boren read more..

"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years." read more..

"I had amnesia once -- or twice." read more..

"I hated to graduate from High School - it was the happiest ten years of my life." read more..

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a good one." read more..

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."- Jackie Mason read more..

"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'" read more..

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all." read more..

"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy." read more..

"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention." read more..

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees." read more..

"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals." read more..

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."- Dick Gregory read more..

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields read more..