July 2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #780

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1438

One-liner #0121

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1411

One-liner #0122

"I fly a lot but I go to only about half as many places as my luggage does." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1493

One-liner #0123

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"- Kathleen Madigan read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1323

One-liner #0124

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1321

One-liner #0125

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."- James H. Boren read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1326

One-liner #0126

"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1381

One-liner #0127

"I had amnesia once -- or twice." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1345

One-liner #0128

"I hated to graduate from High School - it was the happiest ten years of my life." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1447

One-liner #0129

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a good one." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1430

One-liner #0130

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."- Jackie Mason read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1382

One-liner #0131

"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1487

One-liner #0132

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1367

One-liner #0133

"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1436

One-liner #0134

"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1345

One-liner #0135

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1387

One-liner #0136

"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1459

One-liner #0137

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."- Dick Gregory read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1451

One-liner #0138

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1552

One-liner #0139

"I never make misakes." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1484

One-liner #0140

"I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1486

One-liner #0141

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1458

One-liner #0142

"I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1446

One-liner #0143

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1562

One-liner #0144

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."- Dennis Leary read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1403

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1583

One-liner #0146

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1601

One-liner #0147

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains." read more..