Monthly Archive

"I never make misakes." read more..

"I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up." read more..

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." read more..

"I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!" read more..

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter." read more..

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."- Dennis Leary read more..

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, read more..

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money." read more..

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains." read more..

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home tomorrow."~ Margaret Smith read more..

"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me." read more..

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. " read more..

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes." read more..

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." read more..

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis." read more..

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place." read more..

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead." read more..

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes." read more..

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them." read more..

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."~Groucho Marx read more..

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener." read more..

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in." read more..

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you." read more..

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."~@toddieC read more..

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work." read more..

"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people." read more..

"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"- Ed Penland read more..

"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials."- Tim H. Richweis read more..

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?" read more..

"If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings." read more..