July 2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #810

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1471

One-liner #0151

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1514

One-liner #0152

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1499

One-liner #0153

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1421

One-liner #0154

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1547

One-liner #0155

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1493

One-liner #0156

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1515

One-liner #0157

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1426

One-liner #0158

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."~Groucho Marx read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1449

One-liner #0159

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1343

One-liner #0160

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

2051

One-liner #0161

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1506

One-liner #0162

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."~@toddieC read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1506

One-liner #0163

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1591

One-liner #0164

"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1595

One-liner #0165

"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"- Ed Penland read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1599

One-liner #0166

"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials."- Tim H. Richweis read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1511

One-liner #0167

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1589

One-liner #0168

"If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1587

One-liner #0169

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1573

One-liner #0170

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1527

One-liner #0171

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1546

One-liner #0172

"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1518

One-liner #0173

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1461

One-liner #0174

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1566

One-liner #0175

"If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1630

One-liner #0176

"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone." read more..