Monthly Archive

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?" read more..

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." read more..

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!" read more..

"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin read more..

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?" read more..

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles read more..

"If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?" read more..

"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone." read more..

"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it." read more..

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague." read more..

"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights." read more..

"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not to scream - everybody knows wolves can smell fear."- Sean Alex read more..

"If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you - but then again, you should consider your track record." read more..

"If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?" read more..

"If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip." read more..

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen." read more..

"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep." read more..

"If you're a cynic, everyone's corrupt - if you're an idealist, everyone's corrupt, except you." read more..

"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem." read more..

"If you're not receiving enough attention in a store, try knocking over some very expensive antique lamps." read more..

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."- Robert Orben read more..

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything." read more..

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."- Frank Lloyd Wright read more..

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!"~Spider Robinson read more..

"I'm in great shape for a man of 65 years - it's too bad I'm only 42." read more..

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption." read more..

"I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling." read more..

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."- Woody Allen read more..

"I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?" read more..

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."- Woody Allen read more..