July 2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #870

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1287

One-liner #0211

"It was different when we were kids; in second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day."- read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1214

One-liner #0212

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."- Franklin P. Jones read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1320

One-liner #0213

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy - it's a question of finding a sickness you like."~Jackie Mason read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1273

One-liner #0214

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy, it's a question of finding a sickness you like."~Jackie Mason read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1394

One-liner #0215

"It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1248

One-liner #0216

"It's not an optical illusion - it just looks like one." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1278

One-liner #0217

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."- Abraham Lincoln read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1173

One-liner #0218

"It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1240

One-liner #0219

"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1275

One-liner #0220

"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1350

One-liner #0221

"Jesus said we will always have the poor amongst us. Well, here I am."- Juan Ruiz, www.askjuan.net read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1249

One-liner #0222

"Join the AAAAAA! (American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous)" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1300

One-liner #0223

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1336

One-liner #0224

"Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1253

One-liner #0225

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1218

One-liner #0226

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."- Mark Twain read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1312

One-liner #0227

"Lecturing is transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1322

One-liner #0228

"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1322

One-liner #0229

"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.”~ Mary Schmich read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1257

One-liner #0230

"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1281

One-liner #0231

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1345

One-liner #0232

"May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1265

One-liner #0233

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1328

One-liner #0234

"Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1245

One-liner #0235

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that's close enough." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1297

One-liner #0236

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1312

One-liner #0237

"Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster - keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1438

One-liner #0238

"My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from him."- Victor Borge read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1347

One-liner #0239

"My favorite party game is 'Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.'" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1243

One-liner #0240

"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature."- Kevin Hench read more..