Monthly Archive

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey look, a Milk Dud!" read more..

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic." read more..

"I fly a lot but I go to only about half as many places as my luggage does." read more..

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"- Kathleen Madigan read more..

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive." read more..

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."- James H. Boren read more..

"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years." read more..

"I had amnesia once -- or twice." read more..

"I hated to graduate from High School - it was the happiest ten years of my life." read more..

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a good one." read more..

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."- Jackie Mason read more..

"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'" read more..

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all." read more..

"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy." read more..

"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention." read more..

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees." read more..

"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals." read more..

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."- Dick Gregory read more..

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields read more..

"I never make misakes." read more..

"I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up." read more..

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." read more..

"I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!" read more..

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter." read more..

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."- Dennis Leary read more..

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, read more..

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money." read more..

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains." read more..

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home tomorrow."~ Margaret Smith read more..

"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me." read more..