2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #2070

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1389

One-liner #0136

"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1460

One-liner #0137

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."- Dick Gregory read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1453

One-liner #0138

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1553

One-liner #0139

"I never make misakes." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1485

One-liner #0140

"I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1487

One-liner #0141

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1460

One-liner #0142

"I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!" read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1447

One-liner #0143

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1563

One-liner #0144

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."- Dennis Leary read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1404

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1584

One-liner #0146

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1602

One-liner #0147

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1437

One-liner #0148

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home tomorrow."~ Margaret Smith read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1428

One-liner #0149

"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1482

One-liner #0150

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. " read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1472

One-liner #0151

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1515

One-liner #0152

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1500

One-liner #0153

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1422

One-liner #0154

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1548

One-liner #0155

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1495

One-liner #0156

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1516

One-liner #0157

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1427

One-liner #0158

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."~Groucho Marx read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1450

One-liner #0159

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1344

One-liner #0160

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

2052

One-liner #0161

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1507

One-liner #0162

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."~@toddieC read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1507

One-liner #0163

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1592

One-liner #0164

"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people." read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1596

One-liner #0165

"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"- Ed Penland read more..