Monthly Archive

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. " read more..

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes." read more..

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." read more..

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis." read more..

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place." read more..

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead." read more..

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes." read more..

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them." read more..

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."~Groucho Marx read more..

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener." read more..

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in." read more..

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you." read more..

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."~@toddieC read more..

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work." read more..

"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people." read more..

"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"- Ed Penland read more..

"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials."- Tim H. Richweis read more..

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?" read more..

"If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings." read more..

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?" read more..

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." read more..

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!" read more..

"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin read more..

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?" read more..

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles read more..

"If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?" read more..

"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone." read more..

"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it." read more..

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague." read more..

"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights." read more..