2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #2490

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1444

One-liner #0556

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1362

One-liner #0557

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1418

One-liner #0558

A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1371

One-liner #0559

A watched clock never boils.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1431

One-liner #0560

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.- Buddy Hackett... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1410

One-liner #0561

At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1362

One-liner #0562

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1386

One-liner #0563

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1337

One-liner #0564

Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1290

One-liner #0565

Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying and he said, "Canned goods and ammunition."... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1359

One-liner #0566

Calories are delicious.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1407

One-liner #0567

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1446

One-liner #0568

Cats are smarter than dogs - you can't get eight cats to pull a sled thru snow.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1391

One-liner #0569

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1413

One-liner #0570

Christmas is weird- what other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1344

One-liner #0571

Cliches are a dime a dozen.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1377

One-liner #0572

Cliches are a dime a dozen.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1361

One-liner #0573

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1453

One-liner #0574

Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1500

One-liner #0575

Death to fanatics!... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1401

One-liner #0576

Do you think chickens find a rubber human funny?... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1418

One-liner #0577

Doctors can be frustrating - you wait 6 weeks for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1362

One-liner #0578

Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1333

One-liner #0579

Don't fix the blame - fix the problem.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1402

One-liner #0580

Don't tell God how big your problems are - tell your problems how big your God is.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1388

One-liner #0581

Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say 'Don't trust anyone over 30.'... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1365

One-liner #0582

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1434

One-liner #0583

Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too.... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1502

One-liner #0584

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"... read more..

29 Jul

One-liners

Pastor Tim

1345

One-liner #0585

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?... read more..