1.  "Duuuuuude!  Bummer!"

2.  In layman's term, we call that the "Hindenburg Effect."

3.  "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."

4.  "Press 1 for Support.  Press 2 if your with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

5.  "Hold on a second, please ...  Mom!  Timmy is hitting me!!!