Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:

Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.

Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.

Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.

His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."

Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.

Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.

Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."

Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.