Cybersalt Digest Archive

Cybersalt News

Here's what's new on the Cybersalt Site today - and in recent days.

There is a new post on the Simply Susan blog. You can read "Free Like Never Before!" at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan

Rev. James Snyder writes about apologies on the front page at:
https://www.cybersalt.org

I make a bit of a confession about my strating to lean towards Apple products in the funblog at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

And for those who like to keep up Westside Bible Church's services and messages, what we have recorded are updated once again at:
http://www.westsidefamily.org/Services

| http://www.westsidefamily.org/Messages

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Here is today's CleanLaugh - "10 Vet Bill Signs"

10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing

-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.

-- The bill came with payment coupons.

-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.

-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"

-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.

-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.

-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.

-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.

-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:

"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."

You can rate this joke at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4298

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Today's CleanQuote

"The happiest part of a man’s life is what he passes lying awake in bed in the morning."
- Samuel Johnson

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Today's Illustration - "A Strong Woman Versus a Woman of Strength"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape ...
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape...

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ...
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear...

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ...
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone...

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...
a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them...

A strong woman walks sure footedly...
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls...

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...
but a woman of strength wears grace...

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong...

- Marta S. Hardy

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Cybersalt News

I was in the market for a used car today. I just about bought a Toyota but with all the news about them lately I went with a sweet deal I found on a Ford Pinto. I'm so glad the media helped me keep perspective on things.

Some people like their moose in the freezer while others prefer the backyard sprinkler.  Today's FunBlog features a video for the latter - though the former may get ideas from it too.
https://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Speaking of freezers, Rev. James Snyder thinks someone is upset about the cold weather - well actually more about the people who are all up in arms abouthot weather. You can read "Mother Nature's Cold Shoulder Revenge" on the front page at:
https://www.cybersalt.org

Finally, my hat's off (caouse it'snot snowing where I live!) to all who mde the right choice and went with SmileBox to get ready for Valentine's Day. It's not too late to get on the "Phew" bandwagon - SmileBox

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Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Windshield Wiper Quit"

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.

Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.

Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

You can rate this joke at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4294

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Today's CleanPun - Valentine Puns

Please, under no cicumstances think that I do not realize that the following puns are anything other than painful and torturous. But for those who like that flavour of the genre, here you go, lol!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

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Today's One-liner

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Cybersalt News

OK, I need to have a heart to heart talk with the men reading this. Ladies, of course you may read along since this involves you but you might find some of the guy talk a bit rough so be warned.

Men, Sunday is Valentine's day and the special woman in your life wants you to do something special for them. This special thing will make their heart feel warm and fuzzy and gushy (rhymes with "pushy" not "lushy"). This special thing is probably also something that isn't obvious to you because what they really want is for you to think and figure out what would be meaningful to them that you would never in a hundred million years think of unless you try to.

Please get off the ledge; it's not as bad as it sounds. Just avoid things such as appliances that make household work easier, products designed for self-improvement (ie. body shape, breath smell, etc), power tools YOU really want, and any kind of art that involves the hair on your back.

What you have to do is communicate how you value them - honest, my wife just told me so as I read this to her ( including the part I just removed).

I suggest the following for a start. Gather together some pictures of the favorite moments you have shared together and make a beautiful slideshow of them - complete with words describing your feelings about her. Smilebox

has great system that will help you do that and add music as well. Smilebox is easy to use and free. I know that that is counter-intuitive to how lots of us think about gift giving because we think it has to be difficult and expensive.

But in today's economy and world, there is a shortage of money and a shortage of heartfelt sentiment so why not help cure both with a Smilebox

valentine's card today?

Speaking of gift giving and back hair, today's new links on the Cybersalt Site will hopefully give you a laugh about both.

Beware of the Dog House:
https://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Valentine's Back
https://www.cybersalt.org/funny-misc-pictures/4293

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Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

You can rate this joke at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4291

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Today's CleanQuote

"Scissors are overpowered. Rock is fine." - Paper

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Today's Illustration - "Reputation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried:

"Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where *I* went!"

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Cybersalt News

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

No, I haven't been kidnapped and brainwashed by Lionel Ritchie. But I have been busy pastoring, acting as power of attorney for someone, and avoiding the paparazzi who keep mistaking me for Tom Selleck (a lifelong problem).

So what's new in the last while? I'm glad you asked.

My wife has a new post on her "Simply Susan" blog. You can read "Adventure Unleashed" at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan

There is also a new item on the FunBlog. If you like small garages described in a language I don't speak I think you will enjoy it.
https://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

I hope you enjoy the rest of today's digest.

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Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Manservant"

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."

You can rate this joke at:
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4288

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Today's CleanPun - Lost Envelope

Young Mary was a dutiful child. She obeyed every rule and never once contradicted the commands that were issued daily to govern her life.

One day, when her aunt was bedridden with the flu, Mary was given the responsibility and duty of picking up her aunt's pay envelope. If the refrigerator was to be stocked for the week ahead, Mary and the rest of the family would need the money. The young girl duly went to the proper factory pay wicket, picked up the salary and hopped and skipped merrily homeward.

Alas and alack and other cries of lamentation! The envelope was jounced from her pocket. What consternation! What weeping! Mary was sent back over her route but to no avail.

Finally, she ran to the police station and cried to the desk sergeant, "I've lost my aunt's pay!"

"Cut the pig latin," the sergeant said, "just tell me where you lost them."
- By Himie Koshevoy

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Today's One-liner

"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish."

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
https://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm