Entertainment

If you have to write a "letter of recommendation" for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

-For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

-For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

-For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

-For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

-For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

-For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

-For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit.

The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department.

I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"

"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."

It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.

When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday."

Just recently, I asked Mom if she was keeping the two-dollar bills safe.

"Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you gave them to me."

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.