Entertainment

Notes between Martha Stewart and Erma Bombeck

Hello Erma, This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.  Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun.  I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.  By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests.  I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. 

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays.  So, I repainted the room in pinks and stencilled gold stars on the ceiling.  Then, while the home-made bread was rising, I took antique candle moulds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast.  These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store. 

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

"Biscuits and sermons both improve with shortening."

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,
Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.
Just then from the White House came an urgent call,
A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.

In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,
For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!
It was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.
Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.

Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.
Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."
When what to his wondering eye should appear;
But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!

The officers and crew were so lively and quick;
Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.
With a nod from the captain they went right to work.
Rudolph was embarrassed; he felt like a jerk.

Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,
He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!
And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,
"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist tonight!"