Entertainment

Randy W., of Los Angeles, put his mind to the oft-experienced problem of facing modern situations for which there are no existing words or phrases in the English language. The following are his suggestions for some situations to which we might all be able to relate.

arachnoleptic fit, n:

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

bozone, n:

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.

cashtration, n:

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

caterpallor, n:

The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

dopelar effect, n:

(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. (2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

extraterrestaurant, n:

An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

Grantartica, n:

The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

intaxication, n:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

kinstirpation, n:

A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.

lullabuoy, n:

An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he repaints the car for the snail.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.

And, whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply."

As he's closing the great doors of the ark he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can now go forth and multiply."

"No we can't," said the Mr. Snake.

"Now wait a minute -- these are not my instruction, they come right from God."

"We'll we can't."

"Why can't you?"

The snake said, "It's all Adam's fault."

Noah replied, "What has Adam to do with the fact that you can't go forth and multiply?"

We can't," said the snakes, "he named us adders."

*The Songs For Bible Characters*

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"