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These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website:  the answers were also there!

1.  Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?  (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.  Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?  (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3.  Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?  (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4.  Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?  (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5.  Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.  (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.  Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7.  Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?  (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not...  oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come dressed in medieval costume.

8.  Q: Which direction is North in Australia?  (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.  Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?  (UK)
A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

10.  Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?  (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come dressed in medieval costume.

11.  Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.  Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.  Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

14.  Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

15.  Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

16.  Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.  (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

17.  Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by dressing in medieval costume before you go out walking.

18.  Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?  (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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5 minutes to show time;
Jumpstart the elephants!

 

A Funny Elephant Pictures

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An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

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I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't need a tattoo!"

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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

- Submitted by Missionary Michael S., Estonia
  1. Military Inspection
  2. Chinese Knitting
  3. Guys Getting Tossed Around
  4. Cat on a Treadmill

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