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THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt.  Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.  Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.  Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.  Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.  Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT:
It never spoils.

LETTUCE:
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.  Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of.  Carefully.

CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS:
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.  Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.  Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"

"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."

This is pretty neat.  Someone in Florida has a web cam set up on their screen saver.  You can change the text appearing on their screen and watch it appear.

Pointless? Yes.

Fun? I think so.

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.

He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

"But in six years it would have been worth $900.  So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer - post-dated for six years.