Entertainment

True Stories, by David Smith

I went to McDonald's.  I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries .  .  .  it's a long walk."

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Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

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Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar

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My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

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I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.  Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message, "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed .

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.  They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the finalists:

1.  "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp.  in Redmond, WA.)

2.  "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.  "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4 "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5.  "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.  No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6.  "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

7.  Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8.  My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.  When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9.  "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10.  We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11.  One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.  He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Funny Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."