Entertainment

A friend of mine, a new bride, was on her honeymoon and spent one night at her spouse's relatives. She got up early, went down to the kitchen and started to get breakfast together. When the lady of the house came down my friend told her that she had started the soft boiled eggs for her but "how do you tell from the egg timer when they are done?"

She had put the egg timer into the water with the boiling eggs.

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld

True Stories, by David Smith

I went to McDonald's.  I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries .  .  .  it's a long walk."

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Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

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Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar

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My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

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I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.  Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message, "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed .