My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
A Mother's Letter to Her Son
My Dear Son:
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home; we've moved. It was a lot of trouble moving. The most difficult was the bed...you see the man wouldn't let us take it in one piece. It wouldn't have been too bad if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass in the cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going out with. He gave her a beautiful new ring, with three stones missing.
Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs. We got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it isn't working too good. I put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys in the school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him a new suit, but we are going to buy him a new hat and let him look out of the window.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle yet. Your uncle Buck was drowned in a vat of whiskey last week. Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
Your father didn't have much to drink for Christmas. I put a pint of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going till New Year's day.
I went to the Dr. on Thursday: your father came with me. The Dr. put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It only rained twice since last week. First for three days and them for four days. It was so windy on Monday one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last instalment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days, up she comes. I must close now because someone is coming to repair the pipes and there is a shocking smell.
Your loving Mother, PS I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
