(This note, from me, was written to the PearlyGates Newsletter subscribers in 2002. My mother is now 84.)
Dear PearlyGates subscribers. To get the gist of today’s PearlyGates item (sent to this clean but theologically incorrect joke list for obvious reasons) I need to give you a bit of background behind it. This is an e-mail that I received from my mom on Monday.
Before I was born, my mom was one of the first police women in Toronto - only two other jurisdictions in the world had police woman at the time. For a number of years she was a single mom – waitressing at a bar at night so my sister and I could eat pork chops at dinner while she got by on grilled cheese sandwiches. Today she works at the Ontario Provincial Police Headquarters (ViCLAS division) doing data entry of investigating officer’s report booklets containing details of murders and sexual assaults. I’m telling you all of this because as you read the e-mail below you need to read it as from a woman with a lot of street smarts. She is also a woman with a life background that leaves her very little patience with people who have a lot of “street” but very little “smarts”. BTW, she is 62 and a half years old and a big Buffalo Bills fan.
Anyway, here is the e-mail my mom sent me. It cracked me up pretty good and so I wanted to share it with you all so you can enjoy my mom along with me.
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Hi Tim,
Sorry we were out when you called, we went to a Buffalo Bills game yesterday. We got up at 5 am so we could be down at Hooters in Barrie by 6:30am (got there at 6:15am). We had breakfast (BLT on a bun) and then took a bus to Ralph Wilson stadium, had a "tailgate" lunch in a tent (chipped beef on a bun, chili, pasta, coleslaw and even candies), then went in to watch the game. The Bills "squished" the fish (Miami) and we had to chip ice off the metal seats. A snowstorm came in and you could not see the field and 73,000 of us were singing "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow". Then we couldn't find our bus for about 1/2 an hour and my former frostbite dots reappeared. The blizzard was so bad we couldn't see more than a few feet in front of us as we roamed a huge area for our bus. That was the good part of the trip.
7.1/4 hours later we arrived in Barrie with a busload of drunk stoned male objects. There were 5 young guys (supposed to be 21) who were drunk and crude. There were about 8 men who were drunk but then smoked dope after we finally crossed the border back into Canada. It was an experience you can't even imagine. Stephanie and I and her son's friend were the only females on the bus. One guy asked us if we were retired Hooters girls. Nobody hassled us but the "f" word was used over 2,354,729 times (I lost count after that) and that was just in pleasant conversation. The bus driver got lost several times and made at least two 8 point U=turns in traffic light intersections. He was aggressive and we knew if we rolled, we would drown because Steph and I sat at the back outside the toilet that had a constant lineup the whole trip. Next year we are going to go in a small group and stay over the night before and maybe not pick a date in December.
I took a half-day vacation so I could get some sleep.
Well, yawn, I have to lie down.
I love you,
Mom
aka long-in-the-tooth-former-barmaid (pre Hooters)